I never pictured myself as a person who would be emotional and upset when not able to go to the gym. But, as I sat in the office at the gym this morning freezing my account for a month and crying to Ninja Trainer about how scared I am to lose all the progress that I made, I realize how much working out had become a part of me. I’ve been putting so much effort into training. And getting stronger. And making progress. I’m proud of all the work I have put into getting stronger. I’m proud of pushing myself and seeing strength in my legs that I had thought were betraying me. I’m proud when I sometimes catch a glance of my shoulders in the mirror and see how they’re getting defined. I’m proud when one of the trainers tells me that I put in good work.
But I pushed myself last week when I knew better. My back started to hurt really bad, but I pushed that aside and kept going. And since then, I’ve been paying the price. My neurosurgeon called me into his office for an emergency MRI. Luckily he said there’s nothing in my spine which made him feel the need to cut me open. So, in that sense I feel overwhelmingly relieved. But, he also said that I sprained my spine and no working out for a month. If I start to feel better, then I can go back earlier. So I am going to start at the pool next week and try to loosen things up in a safe manner. And while that is nice, I’m so worried about losing everything that I’ve made. And I’m worried that if I do get back to the gym that I will lose the motivation which I’ve built up. I know that I need to rest my back. And I know I should be super relieved that I didn’t do more damage and that I don’t need to get cut open. But I’m going to be sad for a minute and acknowledge the fact that setbacks suck.